The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control

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Over the years, I’ve read a ton, learned from the crash and burn experiences to which I really should be an expert by now, and made a variety of adaptations along the way. As a result, I’ve redefined my success by trying to do less and fiercely protecting myself from burnout. It’s an ongoing dance I do as a perfectionist in progress.

The third part of the book offers a new perspective on how to embrace and enjoy perfectionism, rather than trying to get rid of it or hide it. The author encourages readers to make the single greatest trade they will ever make in their life, which is to exchange superficial control for real power. She explains how to cultivate a growth mindset, a sense of purpose, a gratitude attitude, and a playful spirit. She also invites readers to dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful, and to celebrate their achievements without feeling guilty or arrogant.

Remembering that everyone suffers can help perfectionists be compassionate with their own pain. Remembering that our feelings – no matter how strongly we feel them – are not facts can also help perfectionists shift their self-punishment to self-compassion. Connection and Restoration I built my private practice around perfectionism because I so enjoy the energy of the perfectionist. Always pushing limits, forever poking the bear, unafraid to travel to the depth of their anger or desire, eternally seeking a connection to something bigger, to more. Schafler has treated hundreds of perfectionists in her private practice and recognizes that for many, perfectionism is rooted in a childhood of abuse, neglect or conditional love. It’s not as simple as just advising someone to lighten up. “Managing perfectionism by telling perfectionists to stop being perfectionists is like managing anger by telling people to ‘calm down,’” she writes. But the good news, according to Schafler, is that we can make perfectionism a tool in our lives by easing up on self-punishment, which she defines as hurting or denying yourself. We may think we are punishing ourselves to learn or grow, but we are actually just creating more fear and demoralization.

Look at punishment up close and you will see desperation. When we feel desperate and out of touch with power, we grasp onto punishment to feel in control. Feeling in control is not a substitute for empowerment. 4. Self-compassion is a brilliant strategy and makes everything better. So how do you adapt to perfectionism? To start, you must replace self-punishment with self-compassion. She started noticing a pattern: These healthy, high-performing (mostly) women described themselves as unproductive, unhealthy, and suffering from major burnout. They were attempting that ever-elusive concept of balance—and beating themselves up on their way to finding it.This is who typically comes to mind when we think of a perfectionist. They're "highly organized, buttoned-up and are going to do what they say they're going to do," says Morgan Schafler. Perfectionism is the invisible language your mind thinks in, the type of perfectionism that shows up in your everyday life based on your personality is just the accent. The mental health field doesn’t have a comprehensive definition for perfectionism. It is, however, accepted that perfectionists constantly notice the gap between reality and some ideal, and they constantly want to take responsibility for bridging that gap. Many, although not all, mental health professionals also accept that perfectionism can be broken down into two categories – adaptive and maladaptive. I love a book that starts by normalizing the reader’s current experience. We don’t need to be fixed, we just need a gentle guide to show us how to work with our unique personalities. This book would be my first recommendation to anyone struggling with perfectionism.” It’s also important to remember that even small amounts of self-compassion and subtle shifts in your mindset can make a big difference. Sometimes you only have to stop berating yourself for a moment and give yourself a few minutes of forgiveness to clear away doubt and depression. It’s like turning on a small light in a dark room.